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I can do that: facing the fear of my dreams

Image | | queenofhanger

ScaredComic

Before I started to draw, I felt miserable. I had recently had a big shift in my career (that required extra training and classes for a certification). I worked really hard to get to this place in my career. So, WHY did I feel so miserable?

After much soul searching, I realized it was fear. It’s not the fear of failure, but rather the fear of looking directly at my dreams and aspirations and acknowledging them. I am afraid of putting other life achievements on hold so that I can chase these wild and crazy dreams.

And one of those dreams includes drawing. Drawing gives me a place to express myself, and it feels universal. You can look at a drawing and completely understand: who, what, where, when, and why.

I spent hours looking at comics online and thinking to myself, why can’t I do that? One day as I was scrolling through instagram thinking, why can’t I do that? A little voice answered, you can.

I realized DUH! I CAN!

It was liberating.

So I began drawing. And eventually it led to me sharing my drawings. And eventually I started taking pictures of them and posting them publicly.

It took me a year of drawing and staring straight into my dreams before I could gather the courage to launch an account and website to publicly show my work. It is still a work in progress, but it’s mine. I did this. I can.

Vulnerability

Image | | queenofhanger

Goals

The funny thing about vulnerabilities is that everyone has them, yet we all pretend that we don’t. It’s uncomfortable to confront this without waging an internal war. Critiquing our very human nature is silly but very difficult to avoid.

I am at my weakest when I share my art with others. It’s terrifying. As I write this I am wincing at my sentence structure and word choices. Before publishing this blog post I can guarantee I’ve reread this entire thing 10 times and thought of every reason why I shouldn’t publish it.

I guess it’s probably human nature to shy away from pain. Through our evolution as humans, we’ve adapted strategies and created technologies to help us avoid painful things. But my vulnerability was the exact reason why I created HangryGurlComics. I sat on this idea for years, allowing it to slowly form. My ideas eventually began to take shape and ate away at my soul. As I sat inside my protective cave, I realized my unfulfilled passions were far more painful than any ridicule I could ever receive from someone else.

It has taken me a long time to arrive at this point in my journey and I still consider this the beginning. I know there are many more painful lessons for me to learn, but I will accept them. I will endeavor to be more vulnerable, and I hope you do too.